This one is elegant.


THIS IS FOR YOUR ATTENTION. I wish to notify you again
I must have missed the first one. Careless of me, whot?
that you were listed as a beneficiary to the total sum of £8,600,000.00GBP (Eight million Six hundred thousand british pounds)



Thank you for spelling out the amount. I'm not good with numbers. (Really, I'm not) Although my money exchange link tells me that that equals, in USD, hmmmm let's see, type in the . . . . after the decimal . . . . oops, not Euros . . . .

<8-O <---------- my own personal emoticon for "agog".

That's . . . $17,151,727.14 (Seventeen million, one hundred fifty one, seven hundred and twenty seven dollars and fourteen cents!)

in the codicil and last testament of the deceased.(Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you).

Alright already, I screwed up!

(Seventeen million, one hundred fifty one, seven hundred and twenty seven dollars and fourteen cents . . . No, I'm not going to fall for it!)


We contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you the beneficiary to the inheritance.

Bear the surname . . . Ummm, spoiler alert?

We therefore reckoned that you can receive these funds as you are qualified by your name identity.

Whoo hooo! I reckon that sounds mighty fine. When do I go see Miss Haversham? Is she still in that ratty old wedding gown? How's she doing since the fire?

(Seventeen million, one hundred fifty one, seven hundred and twenty seven freakin' dollars and fourteen cents . . . NO!)

All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance of this deal,

I am rapidly sliding toward acceptance . . . seventeen million . . . No, get behind me, Mammon! Be strong Lynn! Your common sense has survived better spam than this.

(No it hasn't!!!! This is the best one ever!!!! . . . seventeen million, one hundred fifty . . . seven hundred and twenty seven dollars and fourteen cents . . . . Seventeen MILLION, one hundred fifty one, seven hundred and twenty seven dollars and fourteen CENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I request that you kindly forward to me your letter of acceptance; your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable us file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money. If per adventure, you deem it fit to be part of this great promising venture, please indicate your interest via my personal email address: adamc_cole@XXXXX.hk Yours faithfully, Adams Coleman

This guy is good! I almost want to believe him! I'm picturing arriving by black carriage on a wild and windswept night at a grand but ill-kept once stately manse near a tarn on a moor. (For that kind of money, it damn well better have a tarn!) Lots night birds and foxes set the ambiance. A ghostly figure watches my approach at an upper window, in the wing where no one ever goes. The door of that room has been nailed shut ever since the beautiful only daughter of the last owner 100 years ago today was locked in there to starve to death because she was caught in the dairy room with the dairy maid practicing the love that dairy not speak its name . . . .

Damn, I could get a book out of this one!

I wonder what .hk is?

Dear Sir/Madam,

Ah, I see you've read the Tamír books.


My Name is Mr. Frank Manama;

Great, now I have that song the Muppets used to use stuck in my head. Manamana, do dooo dodo do . . . . (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YevYBsShxNs So you can get it stuck in your head, too!)

I work in the credit And Accounts Department of Assurance Bank Nig, Ltd.

We don't use the N word here, mister!

I write you in respect of a foreign Customer who had a Domiciliary A/C with us.

He had air conditioning in his house. Ok . . . . . .

He was among those who died in a plane crash with the entire family in 2000.

Oh no! foreign Customer, we hardly knew ye! Or your unfortunte family, all the little Manamanas . . . do do dodo do. . . Damn it!


This can be confirmed here //n**s.bbc.&o.uk/1/hi/world/eu)@pe/859479.stm

Not a chance, buddy.

Since the demise of this our customer, who was an oil merchant/contractor, I have kept a close watch of the deposit records and accounts and since then nobody has come to claim the money in this a/c as next of kin to the deceased. He had $2,755, 889.mllion in his a/c.

Must have been one big-ass air conditioner!

Upon maturity, we sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

I hear the wi fi in Heaven needs some work. They're waiting for Steve Jobs to overhaul their system when he gets there.

Few weeks ago, the Bank tried requesting that the next of Kin to the deceased should come up to claim his fund deposited with our Bank. After much effort made to locate any of their relation failed. Further investigation showed that he and his wife was involved in the accident and they had no Children and any known relative.

But then who died in the plane crash? And: how very conveeeeeeeeeenient!


After much effort has been exhausted and none of their relation could be found, I decided to contact you to stand in as the next of Kin to claim the fund so that the bank will not declare the account dormant, freeze or confiscate the amount as they stated in the letter sent to
my Department.

Just tell them to turn the air conditioner safe down.

Based on this reason that nobody has come forward to claim the deposit as next of kin, I hereby ask for your co-operation to stand in as the next of kin to the deceased to send these funds out to a foreign offshore bank a/c provided by you for mutual sharing between
myself and you.

Already have air conditioning, thank you.


Nobody will ever come forward to claim it, in accordance with the Central Bank's banking policy and in conjunction with the Federal Government law that at the expiration of 8 (seven) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund

8 (seven)?

At this point I am the only one with the information because I have removed the deposit file from the safe.

Flat head screw driver or Phillips?


By this doing, what is required of you is to send an application laying claims of the deposit as next of kin to the late Mr. H. Morgan.
If you can work with me and for us to proceed with this transaction, I would want you to forward to me your details;
1. NAME IN FULL:..........I. Donna Believue.....................
2. ADDRESS:...111 You Wish Court...................................
3. NATIONALITY:...Skepticalian................................
4. AGE:...Really, sir! *huff* ........................................
5. SEX....Yes, please!!........................................
6. OCCUPATION:....Wiseassician.................................
7. MARITAL STATUS:....Happy as clams.............................
8. PHONE/CELL...Yes........................................
9. FAX:...........No..................................

so that I can file in my report that the next of kin has been found and I will forward to you a draft of the application of CLAIM you will fine in with the Bank.

Next of kin, eh? Will I have to show my driver's license photo?

Finally I want you to understand that the request for a foreigner as the next of kin is occasioned by the fact that the customer is a foreigner and for that reason alone a local indigene cannot represent/stand in as the next of kin to the deceased.

Don't worry. You had me at that cool $2,755, 889.mllion.

When you contact me, then we shall discuss on how the money will be split between us.

Ah HA! Who said anything about splitting???? Although from the description above, we can probably just snap it in half before it thaws out.

Trusting to hear from you, I remain.

Hope you have some food with you. Could be awhile.

Respectfully yours,
Mr. Frank Manama

Do do dodo doo Manamana do dodo do .....

Godammit!!!!!!

Here follows a fine example of the importance of proper grammar.


Hello

I hope my e-mail find you well.

Thanks. I are quite well.

I am in need of your assistance.

I'm all ears.

My Name is Sgt Joey Jones I am with STB: Special Troops Batallion unit here
in Ba'qubah in Iraq, we have about $25 Million US dollars that we want to
move out of the country.

Ooooooo! 8-) Go on!

My colleague and I need a good partner someone we can trust to actualize this
venture,but we are moving it through diplomatic means to your house directly

I don't quite follow the logic of that, but I'll start cleaning out the garage for you.

or a safe and secured location of your choice using a shipping company.

I don't know of any locations that use shipping companies,.

But can we trust you?

Hmmmmmm . . . .

Once the funds get to you, you take your 40% out and keep
our own 60%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the
funds can be sent to, our own part is sending it to you.

Let's see if I have this straight. I get my 40%, and also keep your 60% share? That's a helluva deal! And I have it in writing, too!

If you are interested I will furnish you with more details,

I'd rather be furnished with some nice Arts & Craft furniture. I'll start taking measurements.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty relaxed.

sgtjoeyjones07@gmail.com

Sgt Joey Jones.

Wasn't this the plot of the movie "Three Kings"? I'm sorry, Joey Joey Jo Jo Jonsey, but I think I'll pass. But please do send postcards, if you like, letting me know of your progress. I will urgently await them.

Span Tartar. Needs no garnish from me.

Dear Friend,
It is a pleasure contacting you again, for Introduction, I am Mr. Cliff Bowels it has been a long period of time I Contacted you for a business proposal if you may remember which you did Not conclude with me and I later got a new partner Mr. Tony hocks from United kingdom (U.K) who assisted me concludes the transaction in good faith.

But due your honesty and how you responded to me at the initial stage Before you dropped out from the transaction, I have deemed it wise since God Have made it possible for me to finished up the transaction with another person without problem, I think wise and decided to remember you and to compensate you with the sum of $800.000.00 United States Dollars.

To be thought of so highly by Mr. Bowels makes my day.

We've got Sweet and Sour Spam today.








China mettallurgical import and export company(cmiec)
338,Yingeze Avenue,
Yinge Taiyuan,
Shanxi,China

Dear Sir/Madam,

We write to you in resect of our company ,

I've heard of resecting a bowel, but not a company. What did it eat?

we deal on import and export
raw materials such as non-metallic minerals such as Calcite, Barytes,
Manganese Dioxide , Dolomite Mica
China Clay e.t.c. into the Canada, America, Australia and Europe.

OK. That's useful, if ungrammatical, information. But if you import and export those materials, isn't that a waste of energy? Why not just hang onto your own non-metallic minerals? And while we're at it, what do you have against metallic minerals?

We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium
of getting to our costumers in Canada, America, Australia and Europe as
well as making payments through you to us.

Now I'm quite intrigued. Costumers, you say? Why do costumers need non metallic minerals? One supposes they would prefer the shinier sort.

Please if you are interested in
transacting business with us we will be very glad.

I bet you would.

Please contact us for more information at this address:
XXXXXXX@yahoo.com

Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the opportunity to
negotiate your mode of which we will pay for your services as our payment
representative / collection agent.

Not sure what you just said, but no.

Regards.
Vice President

Thank you for your interest in my potential services.

Sincerely,

Writer

My Inner Editor is weeping. I cannot resist.

Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me,

No problem.

because, I believe everyone will die someday.

That's up for debate?

My name is Susan Brookes I am 70 years of age and a citizen of The United States Of America but presently reside in London.

Your grammar is convincing.

I have been diagnosed with cancer of the Lungs for six years. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have less than three months to live according to medical experts.

Shame on you for defiling all those medical treatments. No wonder you're dying!

This is because the cancer has gotten to a very critical state. I was married to Late Frank Brookes of blessed memory who was an oil consultant in Kuwait for twelve years before he died in the year 2002. We were married for thirty-seven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Shortly Before his death, we became devoted Christians and since his death I have been battling with both Cancer and Breathing problems.

Sorry to hear about Late. You got cancer after converting? Some nasty cause and effect there. As for the rest, you cannot make up a coherent paragraph that is all thesis sentences.

Though we got very rich, I was never generous,

Or grammatically adept.

I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. Having known my condition now, I regret all these, as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have selected you after visiting various Domains and this was pre-empted as after giving out a lot of property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

Where do I start? Brain hurts. A veritable Gordian Knot of issues.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give all that i have to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in various parts of the world.

You might want to invest in some papal indulgences while you're at it. How much does a ticket to Heaven cost these days?

OK, real work now.

Hello!
I really don't have an idea of whom you are but I coincidentally came
in Contact with your identity from the chamber of commence and
industries and i believe that you are a very generous person, so I
decided to use this Medium to get acquainted to you and seek your
partnership in assisting me claim my consignment from the security
company and secure a lucrative Business in your country to invest in.
If interested please direct your reply to the Contact details below
for more;a#######@yahoo.co.uk
Best Regards
Ahmed Abdusallam



1. Uh, yeah

2. Hey, at least he's honest about picking me at random

3. First time I've been contacted by a medium

4. Sorry Mr. Total Stranger, really don't mean to be racist here, but given your "medium" might your "lucrative business in my country" involve explosives in any way? Just asking.

5. You ended a sentence with a preposition. tsk tsk. That's a total deal breaker.

People is a vampire preying on flesh and blood. Mysterious
visitor. He will tell you everything to him the whole situation,
which he thought important proprietor, and read as follows:
messrs. Potash temper, and was very frequently descriptive
of larry found elfie in her room, with high lights notwithstanding
all possible precaution, two mules nora, said her mother.
all right, of our friends, by the way, there's a sore throat
at gale anstey making of constitution,features of constitution,expansion,union
do remember me, don't you ? Hercule poirot's eyes mood,
put out the fire with water not extra clean. Put these ideas
into her head ? And why should the current of my thoughts.
i am almost sorry besides, he added, his queer, gaunt face
shining.

I'm starting to think I'd like a job writing these. ;-)

Found at the end of an ad for an enhancement product for a body part which I do not possess. Nor wish to.

portsmouth bolshoi confirmation chordate castigate parkway dactyl some. clark withdrawal ebullient don traipse ohmic saga protease earthen mcintosh in be

Chordate. Ebullient. Protease. Earthen. Traipse. Dactyl. Ohmic?

Damn, those are some fine words!

I wonder why they put those strings of nonesense at the end of spams? I bet someone here knows.

It's been an interesting few days. Lots of excitement and too much exhaustion, as usual. Skipped Midnight Mass in favor of family sanity, but did a few things on our own.

Sometime in the night a hellacious windstorm rolled into town. I know it's really windy around here when all the wind chimes in all the yards are ringing at once. Up in the night with Bosco, I heard the big wreath banging against the front window, checked to see if my hanging planters were in danger, eyed the huge pines behind our back fence swaying in the wind, and resigned myself to the amount of camphor tree leaves and branches I'd be cleaning out of the pond. Between that and the full moon, I didn't sleep well.

We got our Christmas morning wake up call, not in the nice old way of two little boys in footie sleepers rushing into our room before dawn to announce what Santa had brought--those days are long gone. No, around 6 am Doug and I were literally jolted awake by a tremendous crash outside our bedroom window. And what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a tree-sized branch from one of the giant pine trees, now laying across the back corner of the back yard. It was over a foot thick and at least thirty feet long. It crushed a section of fence, shattered the side gate (I found one of the decorative wooden finials halfway across the back lawn), and missed the roof of the bedroom by about a yard and a half. No one was hurt, except perhaps any of the Walters still nesting up there, and the house was in one piece, so we went on with our morning. As we were opening presents, the neighbor whose tree had awakened us called to us over the back fence and was very nice and apologetic about the whole thing, and promises to cover all damages. We'd been wanting to meet our back neighbors anyway, and it will make for an interesting story.

Otherwise it was a pleasant and uneventful day.

I'm sure it's only coincidence that today I just received an e-mail from Jesus, of all people. Oh, me of little faith, but I never imagined that Jesus would have email, much less the address: xdockett@markharmon.com, but here it is, in black and white. He sent the following cryptic message, which is either a prophecy of some sort, or the Son of Man is a better savior than he is a poet:

make cloudless
You ca6n forget a2bout losing your erection in the middle of se -xua1l intercourse*****.com
He on potbound pulmonary

I really like the first and third lines, but the middle needs work. And if he's aiming for a haiku, then he really missed. But I'm poetry impaired and probably shouldn't judge, lest I also be judged.

I leave you with that thought, and go back to my uncrushed editing now.

I've been getting a lot of notices that someone, whose name I do not recognize, has sent me an e-card, which I should click on links to get. I suspect this is some new spam technique and never click on a link unless it's from someone I know. Apologies to anyone who has done so with good intentions.

Just had to share. From the pictures, it seems to be an ad for electronics. Don't know what it says, but Hebrew is certainly a beautiful alphabet! And left-justified! waves to suricattus in editor mode.


המחירים כוללים מע"מ ואינם כוללים התקנה.
שנה אחריות במעבדות החברה לתקלות יצרן.
ט.ל.ח
א.ג.נ

טק סנטר אינה מפיצה "דואר זבל" אלא מידע פרסומי ושיווקי בדיוק כמו ערוצי הטלוויזיה המסחריים והפרסום בתיבות הדואר או בעיתוני סוף השבוע ולכן אם אין ברצונך לקבל הודעות מאיתנו יותר ראשית נבקש ממך סליחה.. ואח"כ באופן חד פעמי, לשלוח הודעה אלינו בקישור המופיע למטה ואנו נדאג להסרת כתובתך ממאגר המידע שלנו תוך זמן קצר .

להסרה

Really now, who could resist this, especially given the email address?

Hey You
I'm 21 years old
I read your profile online
Reply to me at Prison@GloryLan****.info and tell me about yourself if you want to chat or get to know each other better
I will respond right away and send a pic and some of my info right away

Thank you


Uh, let me see . .hmmm stalking me online . . . . yes, and apparently writing me from prison, My my, a quandry . . .Not . . . Delete!

If I had the time, I would do an indepth study of spammers of various types, and people who actually respond to them, and why.

I don't normally do anything with spam but delete it, but this one was just too good.

Work your magic with Penis Enlarge Patch.
http://www.(((((((
A big size is the best prize.