Here are the winners if the 2008 Photo Contest.

For those of you who missed it, the point was to capture someone (or thing, apparently) reading my books somewhere.

The ten category winners receive a signed book and bookmark
The three Runners Up receive a signed cover flat and bookmark
The rest, Honorable Mentions all, receive a signed bookmark and a funny caption for their pic, by Yours Truly. (See below)

They were all great, and all winners! Thanks to all who participated. Winners, please send your mailing address to: otterdance2@roadrunner.com

( Read more )

I can't let George Carlin go without a retrospective of some sort. I liked everything he did, really, but somethings more than others. Along with seeing someone in a movie get hit in the head with something, the other thing guaranteed to make me completely lose my composure and devolve to 11-year-old mental cognitive capacity is the word "fart". I grin idiotically even as I type it.

Fart. involuntary grin. chuckle. snort.

I couldn't find a clip of an early fart riff he did, which took up at least a third of the LP it was on (anyone remember the name? It was in the early 70s.) In that bit he delved in great detail into the different styles, demonstrating as he went along. My friends and I laughed so hard and "played along" so joyously that my poor mother finally threw us out of the house.

This is the closest I could find:



Going to miss that man. For those of you who don't know what all the fuss is about, check out an extrodinary career at at Wiki.

Oh no, I've been LOLed!

A parody of the children's strange classic Good Night Moon (and I say that as a mother who's read the thing aloud hundreds of times)

http://www.goodnightbush.com/

If I was good, I got to stay up late and watch the Muppets on the old Ed Sullivan show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_HZDD7dODo&feature=related

Very old stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ky7g1lgTwc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-dHo7sIIb4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKTbq5_L1dA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzTKFkMbqrM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lFDJTVvp8U&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBI31Dre7lg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urZJytPA550&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tsS8En3XpE&feature=related

Retrospective

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dDljd_7Yq0&feature=related

This is supposedly true. Doesn't matter, really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The professor told his class: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."



The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph! by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his Trans galactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.

"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A^$h#le

(Gary)
B*t%h!

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ -- I really liked this one.

"Who in Bilairy's name is that? And what the f**k is he doing on my shelf?"







(A self portrait Matt was going to throw away.)

Comic Relief spoof with Rowan Atkinson (who should be a real Dr. Who) as the good Dr., Jeremy Pryce as the evil nemesis, and certain familiar characters lacking noses.

Pt 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwZxQpG4u4Q
Pt. 2/1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAHhuDOB5Bo&feature=related
Pt. 2/2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXRmpm0MEMY&feature=related

David Tennant as you've never seen him. Well, I haven't:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4dUQgIaXGg&NR=1

Great Catherine Tate and David Tennant Sketch (thanks, NC!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxB1gB6K-2A&feature=related

* You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
Check
* You diet all week so you can consume 40,000 calories at a fair.
Yes, but without the dieting.
* You eat ice cream with flavors like "Moose Tracks" and "Maine Black Bear".
Those are new. Our exotic flavors were grapenut and pistachio.
* When it snows four inches you call it "a dusting."
Yes.
* You are surprised to discover there aren't fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.
Yes.
* You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
Yes.
* Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
Yes.
* You can drive the Augusta traffic circles without breaking into a cold sweat.
Been there. Done that. Survived to tell the tale.
* You think a gravel pit is a cool place to hang out
For target and skeet shooting? Where else?
* You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
No, we just tell the out of staters that. The ones who aren't eaten alive by black flies.
* You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.
Wrong end of the state. We went to Hanson Lake.
* Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.
No, that art belonged to mothers, grandmothers, and friends' mothers and grandmothers.
* You know how to pronounce Calais, Machias, Piscataquis and Mattawamkeag
KAL-es, Mah-CHY-es, Piss-CAT-ah-kwis, Mat-ah-WAM-keg.
* You know that The Airline has nothing to do with planes.
Yes.
* You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red-skinned hot-dog and a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips
Who hasn't?
* You know that a chocolate doughnut is not a white doughnut with chocolate frosting.
What are we? Barbarians? Of course!
* You've gone to a bean supper.
Yes, so long as there was coleslaw, and either Boston brown bread or biscuits. Whether you put molasses or ketchup on your beans was a matter of personal taste.
*You know the difference between pea, Yellow-eye, and Red Kidney
Basic culinary knowledge. Great Northerns are good, too.
* You wouldn't eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving
Very true
* In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering or Gifford Ice Cream cones.
Wrong end of the state. We worked at dairy bars.
*At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on you.
Me, and everyone I know.
*At least once in your life you've said, "It smells like the mill in here."
No, but I know that smell from a childhood driving through Stinkin' Lincoln.
* Every summer and fall, there's a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
Yes.
* You call that long sandwich an "Italian" .
Used to. And the best were to be had at the Coffee Pot on State Street in Bangor. My folks used to get them there when they were dating at Husson College. Last I knew, it's still in business.
* Your idea of a traffic jam is being the second car at the stoplight.
Ah, those were the days!
* Your house converts to a B&B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.
Wrong part of the state.
*All year long you're tracking sand in the house-from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
Ibid
* You have a front door but no steps to get to it.
No, but knew those who did.
* Your kids start using "wicked" as a multipurpose part of speech.
I used to.
* You start your shopping by looking in Uncle Henry's.
That's new fangled. We looked in the classifieds of the Bangor Daily or the Star Herald.
*You have shopped at the Big Chicken Barn.
Yes!
*You've ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!
Are you kidding? Who wouldn't?!

* You've had a vacation from school just to help the family pick potatoes.
"Just"? "Vacation"? Who wrote this? My family weren't farmers, but I picked every year from fourth grade through high school.

* You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.
Of course.
* You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.
Not unless you want to lose them to frost.
* You go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.
Uhhhhhh, well . . . .
*You've taken a date to the dump to watch the bears
My grandfather used to take us.
*You watch "Murder She Wrote" and snicker at the stupid fake accents.
*groan!* Oh, yes. And watching the shrimp boats come in. And seeing the sun set over the ocean.
*You've swam in a quarry pond.
Yes!
* You take the New Hampshire toll personally.
Wrong end of the state. We smuggled fireworks in from New Brunswick and my Canadian relatives smuggled all sorts of goods the other way.
*You feel really good when you cross the Piscatiqua River Bridge into Kittery.
Yes. And we honk our horn halfway across.
* You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
No, but we seek each other out in parking lots across the country and usually know someone in common.
* You've used a roll of Duct tape and a can of flat black spray paint to get your car to pass inspection.
No, but know those who have
* You have to replace your mailbox yearly because of the town plow.
Nah, we lived in town.
* When you're supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.
No, my dad worked in a bank.
*You know that Moody's Diner does NOT take credit cards!
Yes, and that their pies look better than they taste, but the chowder and grapenut pudding are to die for.
* The word "stove" refers to what you did to the right front fender
of your truck going around the Augusta rotaries
Stove in. It's a verb
* There's too much "stuff" in your 2 "cah" garage to get either of your cars into it.
No.
* You know what fly dope is.
Yes. Used everything from Cutters to Off to Old Woodsman, depending on how deep in the woods I was headed and how far into spring it was.
*When you eat supper at night and dinner at noon.
No, lunch and supper
*As a child, you played outside in a snow storm without hat, mittens, scarf and with your jacket open because it was just a little cool.
Yes!
*The area around your back door is referred to as "the dooryard" .
What else?
*You've got a Moxie in the fridge.
At times, yes.
* Mud season starts in the Spring
Mud season is spring, followed by early summer.
* That the best shopping time at LL Beans is early early morning.....1am
Absolutely!

The other day I remarked on the fact that the aromas of meditation incense and cooked onions are not very pleasant when mixed.

Today "big dog" Molly joined me for meditation, as she often does. Usually she lays beside me, often with her head on my knee, or behind me. Yesterday she sat up and leaned on me for most of it. Today, however, she ended up facing away from me, and farted at me point blank throughout the session. (She can't help it; she's 105 in dog years.) That, too, was an interesting olfactory blend, but it brought to mind a line from the Heart Sutra. all phenomena are emptiness; they are without defining characteristics; they are not born, they do not cease; they are not defiled, they are not undefiled; they are not deficient, they are not complete.

It was still funky, though.

Courtesy of author Jim Hines's LOL Book observations.

:-)

I was going through old bookmarks and rediscovered this link An all time favorite of mine.

Doug has been out of town for the past few days, and I drove down to the airport tonight to pick him up. He was there, but without luggage. Somehow, the cargo bay door on the plane had gotten stuck and the baggage handlers couldn't get it open to unload. We were told to come back in half an hour.

So we went and had a bite to eat, then returned to the airport. Doug went in to see what was going on and came back laughing. Apparently the maintenance guy had gotten the door open, and went in to see what the problem was--- and the door closed and now he's stuck in there with the luggage and the ground agents are desperately looking for another maintenance guy to get the first guy out. We came home sans luggage, but amused. It's been over an hour now and we haven't gotten a call to come get it. I hope the poor guy had a flashlight. And a snack.

I first saw comedian Demetri Martin on the Daily Show, doing his very low tech segment, "Trends". Love his naifish, deadpan delivery. Watching his Comedy Central special, Demetri Martin, Person the other day, I loved this bit.

I also applaud his suggestion to replace LOL with LQTM. Laughing quietly to myself. Because it's usually more accurate.

He also does great guitar humor, plays a mean piano and harmonica, and he reminds me of my brother-in-law Andy.

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the
newspaper, you are misinformed.
-Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. . .
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul .
- George Bernard Shaw

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the grea t fiction through which everybody endeavors to live
at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you.
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap. . .except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill
the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class. . .save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough
to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Even if you hate Christmas music, this is very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8