We were out for drinks with some university friends and new acquaintances last night, and a woman friend dropped the b-word in casual conversation, referring to herself and me. No, not bitch. Breeder. Now, she's a middle class white straight woman like me, well educated and fairly hip, and I let it go the first time, but when she used it again I found I had to speak up.

Me, politely: Uh, you know, I have a bit of a problem with that word.

Friend: What word?

Me: Breeder.

Friend: You're kidding? Why? My lesbian friends use it all the time. What's the problem?

Me: Would you call an African American a n******, or an Hispanic person a s***?

Friend (suitably shocked): No, of course not.

Me: And I'd never ever call a gay person a f*****t, or a fudge p******. In return, I refuse to accept being called a breeder.

Friend: But you've had children. We both have.

Me: So it's ok that we be defined by a single aspect of our existence? I'm sorry, but that word is, at it's worst, a form of hate-speak, and at best a label that places the barrier of "otherness" between two people. I won't be referred to like livestock. It's dehumanizing, anti feminist, and I've heard it used mainly in a pejorative fashion, said in a tone of voice that implies the unspoken "just a breeder."

About then the young man on her other side, who turned out to be a good friend of hers and gay, caught what we were talking about and agreed with me. According to him, it's already out of fashion among gay men, who have fought for the right to have children, and is used mainly by lesbians, at least here in the Inland Empire. (Again, that's according to one guy in a bar.) We had a good discussion about it and I think I saw the light come on.

That's the problem with words. You pick them up like burdocks on your socks, and carry them around, whether you understand their real import or not. Language is a social compact, and if you cross the lines, it damn well better mean something, and be done on purpose. If I call someone "sh*thead" it's because I really think they're full of shit and pissing me off, not because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

The current social compact as I understand it has rendered words like "gay" and "straight" neutral and acceptable. If tomorrow gay people decide they'd rather be called homosexuals or cowtippers or whatever, then I'll happily make the change. I expect the same consideration. In such cases, the person to whom a label is applied is the one who gets to decide if it's acceptable or not. I say not.


Thinking about it afterward, I came to the conclusion that I'd much rather be called a bitch than a breeder. Bitch is at least proactive, implying a strong personality and independent action. Being a bitch takes effort. I also like the take on it I heard in an Uppity Blues Women's song:

Being
In
Total
Control of
Herself

Breeder, like c**t (my all time least favorite word in the English language) implies that you are simply something to be used, a means to an end. Don't get me wrong. I've got no problem with sex or body parts. But ours is a rich and varied language and each word carries its own connotative power. When spoken in anger, some are violent and dehumanizing, and some more than others. That one in particular imparts an ugliness to something very personal and sacred. Breeder does the same, if to a lesser degree.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. On the bright side, I've heard it said that as soon as the white middle class starts using an "insider" word, it's no longer cool. So maybe it's a good sign? ;-)

I think I'll go sit with my fish for awhile.