I've been following the Phoebe Prince bullying/suicide case with great sorrow, and some personal pain. For those of you who don't know, this high school girl was bullied to the point that she went home and hanged herself. Why was she bullied? Apparently because she was new in town, smart, pretty, and perhaps dated some other girl's boyfriend in secret.
And the case of the 8-yr-old boy who was bullied so badly that he jumped out the second story window of his school during class. He lived, thankfully. The school's response. They demanded he sign a "No Suicide" contract.
I'm not making this up. http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?secti
I was on the receiving end of bullying at one long bad point in my life. I developed early, I was tall, and I was smart. One of my sons was badly bullied, too. We moved to a new town, and he was the new guy. His grandparents hadn't lived and died in that town. That's all it took. It was a small town.
In my case, the theory of the time was "Let the kids work it out. If adults interfere they'll never learn to stand up for themselves." So I had a couple of really, really bad years. I don't remember considering suicide, but I had depression and anxiety problems that persist.
Funny story, though. Things had improved by seventh grade, but I happened to be at a dance and one of the boys who used to bully me was there, drunk, and kept pestering me and my date as we danced, crashing into us and saying stuff. He did it once too often. Without thinking, I whipped around and back handed him across the face hard. He rocked back on his heels, shocked, and was perfectly nice to me thereafter, all the way through high school. Go figure. And I remember feeling so free. I'd made him stop. For the first time in my life, something had worked.
My son's enlightened middle school took the same attitude as mine had, even though he was being physically threatened, pushed, hit, mocked, and generally being treated rotten on a daily basis. It got so bad he was sick all the time and missed 50% of school days one quarter. And his father and I were in there, talking to teachers and principals all this time, begging for help, telling them what was going on. Didn't help. They did try "peer mediation", making my son sit down with one of the bullies and talk it out. Did zero good. This went on for months.
When the school called me in with my son, sat us in front of a panel in two chairs like an inquisition and proceeded to warn me about how he was risking being held back by missing so many days, I exploded and informed them that I was hereby giving my son permission to defend himself in any way he needed to, up to and including beating the crap out of anyone who hurt him, on school grounds or off, and if they didn't like it I would happily get a lawyer. I also pointed out that despite being bullied out of half his school attendance, his grades were fine, and if they wanted to keep him back, I would get a lawyer for that too. The new rules, I explained, were 1. use your words 2. walk away 3. get a teacher 4. try not to throw the first punch 5. but if nothing else works, he has his parents' permission to defend to defend himself. And my son was a big guy, too, even then, but he'd never raised a hand to anyone.
I don't think anything changed at the school, but it apparently did my son some good to hear that. He had about two fights, off school grounds, (one of which apparently consisted of just grabbing the kid by his backpack and tossing him), won both, was challenged to a "duel" for which the other boy did not show up, although half the school did (that really sealed my son's reputation) and things improved 100%. Some of the bullies ended up apologizing and being his friends. Go figure.
I hate to advocate violence, but you know, just taking the abuse, with no help and being expected to work it out with no support DOES NOT WORK. It sure as hell didn't work for Phoebe or that little boy. Or the other kids we're hearing about who are killing themselves out of desperation. Teachers, parents, HELP! Bullying is not some minor rite of passage. It's abuse.
And I think it's bad for the bullies, too, to be allowed to act that way with no repercussions. One final story. At my twentieth class reunion one of my worst bullies apologized to me, and his level of remorse was remarkable. This was something he'd carried for years, just as I had, and it had eaten away at him. It had caused him pain. If someone had stopped him and made him realize how badly he was acting way back when, he wouldn't have had all that suffering. Stopping bullies' bad behavior is better for them, too.
And the case of the 8-yr-old boy who was bullied so badly that he jumped out the second story window of his school during class. He lived, thankfully. The school's response. They demanded he sign a "No Suicide" contract.
I'm not making this up. http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?secti
I was on the receiving end of bullying at one long bad point in my life. I developed early, I was tall, and I was smart. One of my sons was badly bullied, too. We moved to a new town, and he was the new guy. His grandparents hadn't lived and died in that town. That's all it took. It was a small town.
In my case, the theory of the time was "Let the kids work it out. If adults interfere they'll never learn to stand up for themselves." So I had a couple of really, really bad years. I don't remember considering suicide, but I had depression and anxiety problems that persist.
Funny story, though. Things had improved by seventh grade, but I happened to be at a dance and one of the boys who used to bully me was there, drunk, and kept pestering me and my date as we danced, crashing into us and saying stuff. He did it once too often. Without thinking, I whipped around and back handed him across the face hard. He rocked back on his heels, shocked, and was perfectly nice to me thereafter, all the way through high school. Go figure. And I remember feeling so free. I'd made him stop. For the first time in my life, something had worked.
My son's enlightened middle school took the same attitude as mine had, even though he was being physically threatened, pushed, hit, mocked, and generally being treated rotten on a daily basis. It got so bad he was sick all the time and missed 50% of school days one quarter. And his father and I were in there, talking to teachers and principals all this time, begging for help, telling them what was going on. Didn't help. They did try "peer mediation", making my son sit down with one of the bullies and talk it out. Did zero good. This went on for months.
When the school called me in with my son, sat us in front of a panel in two chairs like an inquisition and proceeded to warn me about how he was risking being held back by missing so many days, I exploded and informed them that I was hereby giving my son permission to defend himself in any way he needed to, up to and including beating the crap out of anyone who hurt him, on school grounds or off, and if they didn't like it I would happily get a lawyer. I also pointed out that despite being bullied out of half his school attendance, his grades were fine, and if they wanted to keep him back, I would get a lawyer for that too. The new rules, I explained, were 1. use your words 2. walk away 3. get a teacher 4. try not to throw the first punch 5. but if nothing else works, he has his parents' permission to defend to defend himself. And my son was a big guy, too, even then, but he'd never raised a hand to anyone.
I don't think anything changed at the school, but it apparently did my son some good to hear that. He had about two fights, off school grounds, (one of which apparently consisted of just grabbing the kid by his backpack and tossing him), won both, was challenged to a "duel" for which the other boy did not show up, although half the school did (that really sealed my son's reputation) and things improved 100%. Some of the bullies ended up apologizing and being his friends. Go figure.
I hate to advocate violence, but you know, just taking the abuse, with no help and being expected to work it out with no support DOES NOT WORK. It sure as hell didn't work for Phoebe or that little boy. Or the other kids we're hearing about who are killing themselves out of desperation. Teachers, parents, HELP! Bullying is not some minor rite of passage. It's abuse.
And I think it's bad for the bullies, too, to be allowed to act that way with no repercussions. One final story. At my twentieth class reunion one of my worst bullies apologized to me, and his level of remorse was remarkable. This was something he'd carried for years, just as I had, and it had eaten away at him. It had caused him pain. If someone had stopped him and made him realize how badly he was acting way back when, he wouldn't have had all that suffering. Stopping bullies' bad behavior is better for them, too.
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Comments
The bad thing about bullies is that they get their power from everything. Their parents at home maybe don't care, or accept it. Or their peers (friends or not) pressure them into doing it. The "nerds" or "geeks" or whoever else gets picked on can't be the only ones standing up for themselves. It takes more than that in most schools.
We had bullying in my high school, but my principle put a stop to 90% of it, mostly because he'd bring the bully into his office and "have a chat with him." Aka, the entire school jokingly called him dad (or daddy G). So when he was upset, he sit you down and do the whole "You've disappointed me" speech until you felt sorry. Hell, even if you did nothing wrong, you be all "sorry, daddy G." It helped a lot of us out. There needs to be more of that.
I think another factor in the making of a bully is that some of them may be either being spoiled at home and can do no wrong, or are being bullied and abused themselves. It's really hard for the schools to combat that.
As you put it, I was one of those on the recieving end of being bullied, too. Because I liked school and learning, because I was not a bit interested in fashion and make-up, because I liked classical music and maybe because I was a cloud-headed dreamer who started to write fantasy and kept to herself and to another girl from a grade above which whom I did fantasy roleplaying games.
I know what it means being bulllied. I know what it means to stand at the window every night, pondering "to jump or to not jump". I didn't, because my Dad was always there to tellme that I was good and that I was loved, my Mum was always there to tell me I was wanted and I was special. But there were times when parents' support was not enough. I was a loner, I became an arrogant bitch and I tried to shroud myself within icy walls to keep the bullies out. I discovered what real friendship was when I left my home and went to study.
So - I sign everything you wrote, and I join in - people, watch out, beware, and don't look away when someone's being bullied. Help. Please.
I don't doubt there's a correlation between bullying and domestic abuse, and the sense of power and control is a powerful drug indeed.
I'm glad, Sylph, that you managed to recognize and stop your bullying.
It sounds hard, but I don't think I hear such thing as bullying here on Peru because if someone is bullying you... you just talk back and in the case of boys fight, and is settled up. If you aren't the one to fight or the other one it's too big, the other children just came and fight with you. I'm not making this up. My mom is a retired teacher and was always talking with her students about their fights, it always became something like the one who couldn't defend himself, the other that was bigger and the other one who middle up because he thought the other was a bullier, then they all got a bad grade and didn't talk with each other for some weeks and in the end they became friends again. At that age I always thought it was very stupid of the boys who did it but I understood that boys fight, they like it, it's the age and sometimes they get in a lot of trouble because of it but that doesn't matter to them, if you ask about the fight they just laugh and feel good with themselves -idiots-. They won't grow up to be bad people, they became parents and have children of their own that are polite even if a little spoiled.
So maybe that's why you were right to let your son fight, not that kids here brings guns to the school like I hear they do on USA but, some punches and tossing are not that bad at that age if you ask me. And later they have teachers to put a stop if it became more than that, and to reprimend and put a bad score if they catch them.
I think kids, especially boys, are like puppies. They need to tussle now and then. If they can't, then it builds up into something darker and more violent and dangerous. Schools are even getting rid of gym class and recess, so there's no time for kids to burn off some energy. Bad idea.
As a teacher, the biggest problem with letting the tussling happen is that it gets out of control, even in middle school. I have several boys who have tussling relationships with each other, and it becomes a disruption plus a safety problem in crowded classrooms.
It's also a real challenge to deal with bullying because it goes hand in glove with tattling. Some of my biggest bullies are also tattlers--they dish it out but can't take retribution. From the outside, bullies tend to have blinders about their behavior. I've had round and round discussions about it and they really don't see it. It's a whole sick cycle which makes me totally crazy, because it's rooted in a disregard and disrespect not only for themselves but for the others around them. Interestingly the older kids don't like it and have started dealing with it themselves.
I didn't mean to endorse any tussling in classroom, or any other form of disruption! When I student taught (1980, high school jrs, general track) I went in with a whip and a chair. :-)
I was thinking more of school yard scuffles. But I can see your point. But there has to be some outlet. They're like young bucks, sorting out the hierarchy butting heads and chests. As I said earlier, I think cutting things like gym, recess, and lunch breaks is asking for more trouble. Too much pent up energy. And I say that as the mother of boys, and not hyperactive ones, either.
Do you see it as more prevalent in any particular grade? In my limited experience with myself and my kids, in middle school 6th grade seems to be the absolute worst, with things getting better as they go on and pretty good by 8th grade for most. You mention the older kids intervening. Developmental stages? Although what you describe with the extreme bully/tattle cycle almost sounds like a form of narcissim. (sp)
I also think the lack of anything to do during school makes thins worse. Schools keep dropping things like PE, Band, Chorus, Drama, and the like. Kids have literally nothing to do with all this time and energy.
When growing up, my mom used to tell me, "If someone wants to pick on you, you better make them think twice about it." And she had a point. You don't always have to return a punch (though sometimes it does help), you just have to get the bully to take that 1 second to stop and consider why they're harassing you. A friend decided to completely flip his lid at a bully on his first day in, which got him the reputation of being unstable. And no one bothered him after that. My method was to use technology to make me too important to bother ("Don't mess with her, she fixed my Playstation/PC/Radio for cheap").
Sometimes it's all about how you react to them.
I like your mom's advice, and your friends' and your interpretations. Very creative.
I've seen 'cyberbullying' first hand, and it ruins lives. Luckily, the young girl I know was able to move on after a year, and went to university. She's happy as a clam now, and doing fine.
For me, I was bullied horribly from grade 1 to 10. It only stopped when I switched schools. The only reason why I survived (and I mean that literally) was that one day I decided to write a poem. I entered it in a school wide competition, and went on to the finals. There, I met the two girls who would be my best friends for the rest of high school. One went to a school with a specialty arts program, so I transferred there. Although I was a year too late to get into the program I hung out with all the students. It was fabulous. And it saved me. Thank goodness the Internet didn't get rolling until I was a whole year out of high school ;p
I'm just glad that my daughter isn't having the same issues. There are some older girls in the townhouse complex who have tried to do it to her, but I've given her the tools to analyze social situations, and put bullying into perspective. For instance, if a girl says that she's ugly, it's because the other girl can only feel that she is prettier if she makes other people *feel* ugly. So, if someone says that to her, it's because the opposite is true. And my daughter is to say that to the girl's face and in front of her friends. It works a treat, because the bullies' 'friends' already think that about *her*. I wish I'd known that when I was my daughter's age ;p Suffice to say they avoid her now. No more issues. If they want to slice her up behind her back, that's fine. They never talk to her, so she'll never hear it. And that's the most important bit.
So many people have these sorts of stories.
The stories of people being driven to suicide over such bullying hurts; that someone can be hurt so badly that no one notices/cares and it continues onward. When I was in high school, someone I knew killed themselves because of life around them; they were the quiet type and didn't let anyone know and when it happened--it was without much warning.
In terms of being bullied, though--I think I grew up very cynical and untrusting because of it. It was the type of bullying where someone pretends to be your friend and then it really wasn't that way. It hurts to put yourself out and then to have it taken away and mocked. Bullies...I can't understand them. I don't know if it's a way of covering up their own fears, their own pain and insecurities, but to take it out on someone else in such a way that they don't want to live anymore? There's no excuse for it. The fact that the staff at the school in the case of that first girl is backpedaling and denying and not even trying to show remorse really boils my blood.
I know that certain things make us stronger but... not everything gets stronger with repeated blows. Things will break.
I think the most frustrating thing for those who tried to bully me, was that I knew from prior experience as being a bully that the best response is to not let them bother you. For my part, I did try to correct my speech, but insults and jibes were met with eyerolls. Eventually they gave up.
The worst thing to do is to let a bully know they bother you. The game is to make someone else feel weak. If they can't make a visible dent, they'll move on.
Just been through a real year of hell caused mainly by school sitting on their hands about this issue.
Very, very angry and frustrated by his, now, ex schools reaction ... still haven't calmed down about it since it flared up (again in October).
A no suicide contract ???? ::;shakes head:: Strange times we live in...
Things got better in middle school, and by high school I even had groups (music/theater people mostly) I fit in with to some extent. Maybe it was because I never stopped being myself, and maybe it was because I still managed to be nice to people I didn't know. Maybe it was because when the biggest physical bully in middle school threatened me repeatedly I finally looked her in the eye and told her that I wasn't out to start trouble, but if she started it, I WOULD finish it. (She never touched me, by the way).
Maybe I was just lucky.
Sometimes I wonder though, if the system isn't somehow part of the problem. Some teachers don't intervene because school policy literally doesn't let them. The only recourse they have is to make kids "talk it out", even though they know it doesn't always work. Some agree that sometimes kids should be allowed to settle things in the yard - not without someone keeping an eye on things, but with only intervention when things get serious.
Finally, I wonder about what the best way to help is. Direct intervention by an authority figure (either because the bullied asks for help or the authority just decides to step in) can sometimes make things worse for the student being bullied. Things just turn more underhanded if the obvious is confronted. This happened to me repeatedly.
Personally, I think it is most important to be able to support the student and let them know that they are special and important, despite what their peers may think. I find that eventually most peers do come around eventually and are willing to at least give respect if not acceptance.
I'm trying not to swear. I really am.
That stuff is the worst. Ever.
She has probably ruined quite a few lives. Criminal.
School counsellors prescribing *anything* creeps me out. Unless someone has actual medical training they shouldn't be allowed to recommend anything.
Anyway.
My dad was in the military and we would move around a lot, usually about every 2-3 years. Right after he retired, we were living in Virginia. I was in ... 5th grade, I believe? Yeah, pretty sure I was. I was the new kid (again) and I went to a school where white people were a minority, and there were maybe 1 or 2 asian people. I'm mixed, white and korean. I was teased pretty bad by my entire grade. There were three people who were especially bad about it, but I don't remember their names anymore. Except one of them. His name was Anthony. I moved from virginia to maryland in the middle of sixth grade because my dad found a job and wanted to move closer to his work.
Years went on, and after Highschool I kinda gained an acceptance that I was pretty heavily bullied, and that no, people won't do anything about it, and let everything go.
In January of 2008, I left for bootcamp. In February, during this thing they do in the last week or so of bootcamp called "Captain's Cup", I was talking to one of the girls in my division and this guy comes up to me and asks me if I was Christina. I probably looked as confused as I felt because I didn't recognize him at all and replied that I was. He held out his hand and said "You probably don't remember me. I'm Anthony *insert last name*. I was pretty nasty to you when we were younger, and I'm sorry." I accepted his handshake, smiled, and said "I remember you. It's okay. I let all of that go a long time ago." And that was that. I never expected to see him again, and it was such a surprise. When you mentioned what happened at your 20th highschool reunion, it reminded me of it. It's crazy how small the world we live in really is.
Sorry if this is a little incoherent. I'm tired. :)
Anyway, I suffered from absolutely horrible bullying. Rocks would be thrown at me, I was called names, chased. It was terrifying.
My solution? I made friends with all the neighborhood dogs. ALL of them. Expecially the big ugly one that wandered the neighborhood loose. It's a huge boost of confidence to have a three foot tall ugly mutt dog following at your heels.
Eventually I learned to just walk with my head up, chin out, one fist ready to hit anyone who looked at me funny. I rarely had to fight, but my Dad always told me that there is no such thing as fighting dirty. You fight with everything you have, and you fight to win. And hopefully you don't have to fight too much, because there will always be someone who can beat you. :P. But, you get a reputation for not being an easy mark, and eventually if you don't cause any trouble, you don't get any trouble.
I've never run into any of the bullies again. I live in a very different area now- not an area where my kids will be exempt from bullying, there is no such place, but it will be for different things, I'm sure. Fortunately, my oldest seems to have the knack for making people just love him, my middle child takes no nonsense from anyone (she's tiny, but believes she should rule the world), and my youngest is very rough and tumble, and probably will be in fights just for fun. *sigh*.
I'm glad your dad supported you, and you found a way through the bullying. <3 And I really hope your kids never have to go through it, and it they do, they know how to deal with it. :)
I have, however, stood up for others being bullied when no one else would step up. I think it’s ridiculous that students will just watch that going on without doing anything to help. They’re just as responsible for what’s happening if they don’t try to stop it. I was lucky yet again in that the bullies would generally go away when they were faced with opposition. I’m not sure what I would have done if it had gotten physical, since I’m pretty weak.
They picked on me for getting good grades, because they could make me cry, and I don't even know why else. I got everything from name-calling to prank phone calls where they'd be all polite and ask for me when my parents answered the phone, and only switch to nasty once I was on the line. I got followed around by a group of boys in middle school who called me names... when I went outside to eat lunch to avoid them, they followed and circled around me. Once someone even bent staples so they had one prong sticking up and put them on my chair... I didn't even realise it until AFTER I sat down on them.
One day in 8th grade health class, we had a sub, so the bullying started IN class... I finally had enough, stood up and said "Fuck you all" and walked out. Most of the bullying ended at that point. It was the first time I had ever sworn, and the first time trying to stand up for myself actually worked.
I still have trust issues, I still think people are saying mean things about me sometimes, and I still dread seeing some of them again...
(I graduated HS about 12 yrs ago, to give you something of a timeline)
I would never ever ever put a child through a school system. Socialisation can be obtained by other means than sticking them in schools, and I don't wish that hell on anyone. Ever.
Teachers are worse than useless and often part of the problem. I can count on two in particular, one of who actively participated (after all, what does the stupid foreigner know?) and one who was if not encouraging it, condoning it at least. Ask for help? Ha!
The no suicide contract shouldn't be legal at that age - he can't legally sign, and is stupid besides. May be they should try dealing with it instead of coming up with that kind of absurd idea.
It left me with a deeply-buried rage. I rarely think about it, but if one of the kids that treated me like shit forty years ago walked up to me now, the least I would do is spit in her face. My parents tried to complain to the school, and nothing was ever done. We were bullied in class, right in front of teachers who mostly pretended not to see it (as well as in the schoolyard and anywhere in the neighborhood if they caught us). The teachers and the principal tried to blame us, myself and my sisters and brother, even though all four of us were naturally shy and quiet. It can be very hard for a person who's painfully shy to defend themselves; I used to daydream about hitting my tormentors, but I wasn't wired that way. I couldn't do it, and I also knew that they could beat the hell out of me if they wanted to, so I didn't dare.
We had gym in my schools (elementary & high school) so it wasn't a lack of physical activity that made these kids lash out. In the 60's and 70's kids spent a lot more time outside, running around and playing, regardless of the weather. In my experience, bullies become bullies for one of two reasons: either it happened to them, and they had the emotional temperament to evolve into a bully themselves; or else they really do believe they are better than other people. Being spoiled and getting away with everything just reinforces this. The kids that bullied me always had the fashionable clothes, toys, etc. They were the popular kids, and their parents knew how to suck up to the school administration, so they were immune to consequences.
It wasn't until I was in my 20's and working that I began to meet other people that had gone through the same thing. People started to accept me for who I am and I finally developed a little confidence. But it affects me to this day, and my sisters as well. The damage this kind of thing can do, even if the victim never considers suicide, runs very, very deep and for some people, never completely goes away. Schools now talk about "zero tolerance," but I have yet to hear of one that has really eliminated this abuse.
And that's why today, as a teacher, I do not tolerate bullying of any kind in my class. If I hear something that I can consider bullying, the kid is in the office. I document it, too, so that if it gets worse, I have proof that I did the best I could to stop it, and have taken it to whatever level it needs to be at. I do NOT tolerate anyone calling another student gay for any reason, even if they're friends and it was a joke. Since I laid down the law in my classroom, the teasing remarks have dropped to near zero. And my students now know that I will go to bat for them if they need me, and they approach me if there are any problems, in my class or outside. A few students have also stepped it up as well, and they will defend their classmates if they sense any bullying. It's really refreshing to see.
Granted, my experience with it is strictly in a mental health hospital unit and these people are closely monitored regardless, but I've heard of it used in outpatient settings as well, until such time as that person can be placed in a mental health facility where they can be closely monitored.